


Shisui Uchiha's Journal

by katydid001



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Complete, Depression, Diary/Journal, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Memory Related, POV Alternating, Pre-Canon, Sensuality, Service Dogs, Suicidal Thoughts, unbeta'd we die like women!, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24729784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katydid001/pseuds/katydid001
Summary: There are few objects that Itachi holds dear to his heart. Shisui's journal is one of them.
Relationships: Uchiha Itachi/Uchiha Shisui
Comments: 15
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

_Itachi stared at the small leather bound object before opening the first page. ‘What would you do now, Shisui? Why did you leave this to me?’ he thought. The ANBU captain adjusted his cloak against the wind as he settled into his post._

* * *

**_Journal Entry #1_ **

**_May 24th_ **

Our clan was rioting today, albeit a small riot. Outside of our patriarch’s house, no less. It’s shocking. If we strongly believe that we’re the best then why do we feel the need to throw stones at each other? What is Fugaku going to do to increase our standing when he has no political standing of his own? My uncle has always been a humble man. As the third son of the former patriarch, he was not born for this role. But the second and third shinobi wars took away any chance he had for a humble life of peace. 

Do you want to know my greatest fear? It’s not pain, death or torture. My greatest fear is civil war. Our clan has been relegated to a mere security force within Konoha. What my kinsmen do not realize is that the Nidaime was trying to say, ‘prove your loyalty’ when he assigned us such a role. Have we? I don’t know, I honestly don’t. We have fought Konoha’s wars alongside the other Konohagakure shinobi. We have bled with them, died with them. We have policed the streets, creating the safest hidden village in the world for our civilian population. But… we have inner clan strife. I sometimes think about the izanagi events that happened during the first shinobi war. Over twenty Uchiha died for power. Undoubtedly, someone from the village’s leadership saw the records and noted that an entire platoon’s worth of Uchiha was suddenly dead. We’ve sometimes used our role to oppress rather than serve the population. 

I can’t prevent a civil war by myself. My clan is quickly heading towards that route. They are so unsatisfied with everything. It’s not even like our complaints are all together invalid either. Before the kyuubi incident I thought we might have had a chance at becoming politically relevant again. Fate had other plans in store. It’s like every time our clan has had a chance to rise, we’re knocked back down. We had fifty-three deaths from the third shinobi war alone. That was half of our fighting force! HALF! But any recognition of our sacrifice was quickly silenced after the kyuubi. I understand why the villagers thought that we did it. Madara happened. Enough is said with just that name. But we are not him. 

Is our oppression enough to create a civil war? A war in which we would not win. I don’t believe it would be. I can’t believe that. I am loyal to my clan. I love my kinsmen. I don’t want to see their blood spilled before the steps of the Hokage tower. Especially not for such a lowly cause as pride. Our honor would be tarnished. Any survivors would be exiled from our home. We would be disbanded as a clan. Our nobility stripped. War is never something I could support. 

What about my genin sensei? The Inuzuka are loyal to a fault, but Tsume-sensei would be on the opposite side of a civil war. She would definitely side with Sandaime-sama. I don’t know what to do to prevent the blood shed. It’s my greatest fear. I feel like a small child lost in the dark with no light. Alone, scared. Civil war is the monster hiding in my closet waiting to devour me the moment my parents kiss my forehead and close the door. 

You, dear journal, are just paper and pen and yet are the only one I can tell these things to. No one in the clan will listen to me about the cost of their braying. I cannot tell any outsiders, either. The kami will not answer me. It does not matter how many offerings I make before my ancestors, for they have abandoned us. So tell me, what do I do? How do I prevent the utter carnage that will surely follow?

* * *

  
  


_‘I miss you…’ Itachi closed the journal and kissed the cover before tucking it into his pocket._

* * *

**_AN: Comments are like water, they help the fandom grow I'm going to try and update this daily for the next month. Send in a comment with a journal prompt and I'll write it. :D It doesn't have to be fancy or even all the legible._**

**_AN 12 August 2020: So when I wrote this, I did so in less than a month initially. I was posting it within thirty minutes of writing and writing an entry every few days or so. I always tried to keep the time less than an hour per entry to make it feel more like a journal. In that spirit, this is going to remain unedited. It will have minor spelling and grammatical errors here and there. I am only human. Nevertheless, I hope that you enjoy this. I hope that it makes you stop and think about what depression can do to someone and what it's like to have it. Most importantly, I hope that it makes you appreciate your loved ones and hold them close. As always, thank you so much for reading! 💜💜💜🦋_ **

_For the purpose of this story, Itachi will be 20 years old when he begins reading this journal. And yes, a lot of info was left out on purpose._

_Based off of prompt from r/narutofanfiction discord: Write about a character's or one of your own great fears, either long term or short term. Focus on the feeling it gives you and how best to convey that feeling in your writing._


	2. Entry 2

**_Journal Entry #21_ **

**_June 27th_ **

There was this stray dog that lived near the Uchiha compound. Last year, she tore up Yui-obaa’s flower beds while chasing a rabbit. I decided to name her Chika, scattered flowers. Actually, I let Itachi name her when I took her in. He picked some lofty name, I don’t even remember what it was, but it did not fit her at all. She’s a good dog. Every time I come home from a mission she starts following me around from the gates to the Hokage tower then back to the compound. I trained her to piss on Elder Daichi’s leg whenever he walks past our engawa. I, of course, think that it’s hilarious. Itachi didn’t think so. He thought it was ‘childish’. I saw him slip her a treat the next time she did it, though. 

Chika’s pregnant right now. Hana-chan thinks she got knocked up by some Inuzuka out for a joy run. Apparently the pups have more chakra than normal pups would have. Sasuke-chan keeps begging me for one of them. Unfortunately for the squirt, if they’re Inuzuka, they have to go back to their clan. I suppose if one of them doesn't have the potential to manipulate chakra, then he could have one. Sasuke would love that. He keeps talking about it like he already has a pup. It's adorable, really. You know who also loves dogs? Itachi. He loves all animals, really. Anything. Crows, cats, dogs, weasels. Ha. I kid on that last part, of course.

We had a mission a few months ago where the enemy’s jutsu started to destroy the forest. Anyway, we were running through the tree branches, just trying to get the hell out of there when we see this bird nest with baby birds just sitting there with the mama bird. And Itachi being Itachi could not just leave well enough alone, no. This guy took the entire nest, mama and all and just ran for it. It was sweet, in a way. He's always doing stuff like that. Saving baby birds, kittens, puppies. He's actually the one that discovered my dog.

She was just a mangy thing when we found her. Hana-chan gave us a cream for the mange and agreed to dogsit when I was on missions. She's come a long way, but she's a good girl and so worth it. I'm actually sitting in a tree branch right now. We're waiting for some sort of patrol that intel said would head up this way. I picked her up this ridiculous bow in Tea Country. It's pink. I might even ask Mikoto-oba to sew some sequins on it for extra pizazz. Girls like that kind of stuff and she's worth it.

Itachi would think I'm being ridiculous, spending so much time on this dog. But she's a good girl. She really is. My father never allowed us to have a pet. He thought they were too dirty. Sometimes I wish that I could just move away with Itachi somewhere secluded and silent. I imagine us living unremarkable lives with no last name. Away from all of this drama. In my fantasy, though, it's just us.

I would love to own a pet store or even a feed store. I think in another life Itachi would have loved to be a chef or a scholar. Can you imagine that? Everyday I would lock up the shop and come home to him hovering over his books. The smell of paper and ink in the air. He might look a little frustrated at being unable to piece together some ancient manuscript. Maybe I'd buy dango on the way home. Nah, that'd actually be a bad idea. He would never risk getting the historic papers and parchments sticky. He's picky like that. He might come visit me in the shop after doing his research for the day. Maybe we could stock dog bones together or hell, I don't know, dragon feed or something.

Do they make dragon feed? I've seen a lot of crazy things in this world, it wouldn't surprise me. Dr. Yamanaka gave me a prompt list. I was supposed to write today about "what motivated me to keep living". Apparently I'm on some sort of suicide watch list. It's somewhat insulting, really. So the answer to Dr. Psycho-bull is this: Itachi, Sasuke and my dog. They keep me going. They motivate me. I want to keep living for them. I want to watch my dog run through the training grounds and knock over a bunch of genin. I want to wake up in the mornings with Itachi. I want to rub my knuckles in Sasuke's hair just to see him turn that tomato red.

July 2nd update: She had her pups! There were four in the litter total, three boys and one girl. Two of the boys and girl were able to mold chakra. Sasuke was beside himself when he found out the fourth pup, a boy, was normal. He named him Shiro. Unimaginative, in my opinion, it is the fourth pup, after all. It made the kid happy, though. That's what matters. It made my boyfriend smile too. That was rare and worth all the gold in the world.

* * *

  
  


_Itachi held back the tears in his eyes and looked towards the stars. He remembered that day. He remembered the dog giving birth. In his will, Shisui had left the dog to Hana. The man knew that Itachi never had time for a dog. As busy as Shisui was, Itachi was busier. He also didn't have any other friends who could care for a dog... Kakashi-senpai's pack lived in the summons realm and Chika could not. Sometimes when he was at his lowest, Itachi would visit Chika. He would throw the glittery pink ball and give her a new ribbon. How could he not? Shisui loved that dog, and he will always love Shisui._

_Tucking the worn leather book under his mattress, he closed his eyes and fell to sleep._

* * *

  
  


**AN: If you have the thyme, help water the fandom garden and drop a line ;) Comments help the garden grow.**

Hana refers to Hana Inuzuka, Kiba’s elder sister, the veterinarian. Shiro is Itachi and Sasuke’s pet dog in canon.


	3. Entry 3

**_TW: Mentions of suicide_ **

* * *

_“I’m going to have to do it… if I don’t… he’ll kill Sasuke too. I will see you in my dreams.” Itachi dropped his head on the cold marble slab. His knees were soaked with the dew on the grass. The peace lilies were left to one side of the grave’s vase. This would be the last time he would visit Shisui. After tonight he would be on the run._

* * *

**Journal Entry #24**

**June 27th**

I love him. I am in love with another man and I don’t really care what anyone else thinks. He’s beautiful, his heart, his soul. I think the only reason I would ever choose clan exile is to be with him. That scares me. No, actually that’s not quite true. The thing that scares me most is a life without him. He’s everything. I feel this call to him deep in my soul. This unbreakable bond… I don’t know how to explain it. When I imagine myself without him the world feels empty. 

How absurd is that? Somedays I want to just end myself and others, I want to stay - for him. I wonder if he feels the same way? Does his heart sing for mine as mine does for his? Every time we spar and our skin touches my chest tightens. It’s the strangest thing. We’ve been best friends for ten years now. Can I stay for him? Even when I don’t want to stay for me? I think… the answer would be yes. I could stay to make him happy. I would do anything just to have Itachi smile. Even if it meant bearing this existence and continuing to live. For him, I would. 

* * *

_“But you didn’t… Tonight, I choose Sasuke over your memory. Forgive me,” Itachi whispered to the small book, tucking it into his cargo pocket. He slipped on his ANBU mask and tanto for the last time and jumped out the window._

* * *

**AN: One good tern deserves another ㄟ( ･ө･ )ㄏ. Please leave a comment, they’re motivating and help the fandom take flight. :D**

Suicide is never the answer. If you or a loved is having thoughts of hurting yourself or suicide reach out. Ask for help! Talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest or other clergy. Don’t bottle it up. It is okay to have these feelings, but you must ask for help, you are not alone. You can make it through this.

US Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Canada Suicide hotline: 1-833-456-4566

UK Suicide hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

Australia Suicide hotline: 13 11 14

France Suicide hotline: S.O.S Amitie: Telephone 24/7. Email response within 48 hours. Chat online. Phone 01 42 96 26 26/ 01-45-39-40-00

Online chat: go to suicidepreventionlifeline .org and click on chat.


	4. Entry 4

_ Itachi sat in the dank cave with the other Akatsuki members. The fire's light danced along the stone walls and pushed back the omnipresent chill that clung to the air. Exhaustion sank deep into Itachi's bones. Although he washed them countless times, he could still feel the blood of his kinsmen on his hands. Whose blood was that under his fingernails? Yuri-obaa's? His mother's?  _

_ The look on Sasuke's face as it changed from horror to relief and then fear towards Itachi would not leave his mind. He'd mentally scarred his little brother, killed his kinsmen... his parents. Itachi knew now that he would not be meeting Shisui in the afterlife. He would be doomed to go to hell while Shisui was surely enjoying the benefits of heaven. _

_ It was difficult for the Uchiha clan's killer to keep his composure. Even though he knew that he should not open Shisui's journal in the presence of others, he couldn't stop himself. He needed him. He needed some sort of comfort. Itachi prayed that he would land on a page that would chastise him. Tell him that he was wrong and that Shisui hated him. Itachi knew that wouldn't happen, pray as hard as he might. The only person in the world Shisui ever hated was Shisui. _

* * *

**Journal Entry #31**

**July 5th**

I went to therapy today. It felt like a waste of time to be perfectly honest. All Dr. Yamanaka ever wants to talk about are feelings. Feelings are not facts. Fact: my clan wants to take over Konoha. Fact: we are ill-suited for any sort of civil war. Fact: I'm so tired of this. I can't tell the good doctor anything, of course. That would put my clan's reputation on the line. I don't want to tell Itachi, either. What if he's against my ideas to end the coup? I have no way of knowing.

On second thought, I could share with him. He might be one of the only people that understand what I'm going through and how I'm feeling. I just... I just want to preserve our clan. I want to keep everything the way it is, if not better. Change comes from the inside, not from the outside. In order to change things, we must first change ourselves. Ah, Chika is slobbering all over this. I will write later.

**Journal Entry #32**

**July 6th**

I talked to him about the coup. We share the same feelings. It's such a relief. I thought I was alone. We talked about it after we sparred. Hopefully our clan will see reason. They must. When I was talking with Dr. Yamanaka, he asked what I do as a hobby. I thought I might as well mention it to you. I run. At 5 a.m., I start off by jogging with Chika around the compound a couple of times. Then I sprint around the village wall for an hour. It feels freeing. I love the burning in my lungs, the wind against my face. Sometimes, I imagine that I’m running away from everything and leaving all my troubles behind me. If I just run fast enough they can all be solved. If I push myself hard enough all of the pieces will fall into place. 

Yuri-obaa asked me if I had my eye on Hana-chan. Hana’s great, she’s very sweet and caring. She will also tear your head off if given half a chance and half a reason. She’s going to make a fine matriarch? Alpha? Someday. But no, I think Itachi’s it for me. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I jokingly asked Yuri-obaa what she would think if I married a man instead. She scoffed and walked away. I’m fairly certain she felt scandalized. It probably would have been funny to tell her I make-out with our future patriarch every night. I wouldn’t disrespect Itachi like that. 

The great thing about Itachi is his sense of humor. No, really. It’s so subtle that you have to know him to know when he’s joking. He has a great poker face too. It drives Sasuke nuts! Earlier today, we were talking about improving the fire phoenix jutsu. Itachi said that we could add a water dragon and I just looked at him. At this point I’m fairly certain he’s joking about combining two opposite elements, but his face is so  **serious** . So do you know what he did? He tried to use a genjutsu on me to prove that it was possible! Seriously, Itachi? It was pretty hilarious. He smiled at his own joke, which for Itachi is the equivalent of rolling on the ground with laughter. It was beautiful. If anyone can keep our family together, it’s Itachi. 

* * *

_ ‘I wasn’t as strong as you thought,’ Itachi whispered in his mind. He looked up from the small book and noticed the one called Konan was looking at him. He placed the small book in his pants pocket inside the cloak and gave her a level stare.  _

_ “It is good for our organization to have gained such a strong member, Uchiha-san,” Konan said. _

_ “I am honored,” Itachi replied. ‘I just want to go home,’ he thought.  _

* * *

**AN: If authors were fish then comments and reviews are fish food. Help feed the fandom and sprinkle some in the water. <º))))>< Thank you for reading!!!! <3**


	5. Entry #5

_ The waist high grass swayed with the wind. It tickled Itachi's toes as he and his new partner walked through it. Juzo, he believed, was the man's name. He was a Hidden Mist missing-nin and the current wielder of the Executioner's Blade. For the last two days, Juzo tried to get Itachi to laugh at something. Yet, everyday Itachi did not laugh. The humor in his soul had leached out and he felt nothing. Some days it felt like his heart might shrivel in his chest and fly away as dust in the wind. Who was he anymore? Clan-killer Itachi? Itachi of the Sharingan? Uchiha Itachi? Sasuke's brother? No. Shisui's lover? Not anymore. _

* * *

**Journal Entry #34**

**July 15th**

I'm writing this in a cave, it's raining outside. I don't usually feel like a murderer... usually. But tonight, I do. I almost never get paired with Itachi for missions. This was supposed to be something fun, a team-building mission. No one told us that it was an assassination. From Itachi's own ANBU team, no less. I don't think my boyfriend ever wanted to assassinate anyone. Every time I see him do it, the light in his eyes dims a little bit more.

Mukai Kohinata, that was the missing-nin's name. He was half-Hyuuga and able to use the byakugan. Apparently, he knew that Itachi and I would be the one to come after him. He was meeting with some ninja from the Hidden Mist Village of all places. I don't even know how he got into contact with them in the first place. The guy was hand delivering them information in exchange for amnesty. I did some research on him (Itachi dearest was most unhelpful and not forthcoming at all). There was a bad mission a few months back. Their entire platoon was taken out while they were guarding the daimyo. The only survivors were Itachi, Kakashi and Mukai. 

Kakashi, of course, has always had his own coping mechanisms for trauma. Itachi... well I guess he uses me? I don't mind though. It's always enjoyable.

Uh, there I go again, making innuendo out of an intense situation. I guess that's my coping mechanism. Joking. If I can make a joke out of something then it doesn't seem quite as bad, I guess? If I can just make people laugh... But I wonder, did Mukai have a coping mechanism? I was sent to the Yamanaka for suicidal thoughts because I'm an elite shinobi that they don't want to lose. What about our regular forces? Do they get intensive treatment? Can they even afford it?

I remember what it's like to not have money for necessities. It was shortly after my father lost his leg. The family savings dried up and my mom had never held a job. It was on me to provide for the family. Looking back, I wonder why the clan didn't intervene. We have funds for cases like this. But I know why: honor. Father lost his leg protecting an Inuzuka. Because they weren't an Uchiha, and he lost his leg in the process, he is dishonored... Kami help us, for all our faults.

I suppose that with all of this talk, I am really trying to distract myself. I am a murderer. I watched as the light left Mukai's eyes. I stood by as the light in Itachi's dimmed. What right do I have to continue living when I have taken lives? I know that I won't go to heaven. It's never promised for shinobi. I wonder if any of us have ever made it there. We take and take. What chance do we have? Honor is one of the greatest values for a shinobi because morals hold no weight. If you want to raze an entire civilian village, go right ahead. It's not like they can fight against you. It's not like you will leave any survivors... Dead men tell no tales, after all. There will be no one to speak about 'dishonor'.

* * *

Sometimes, I wonder if that's what happens to the abandoned villages that we occasionally come across. Did a random shinobi come through here and wreak havoc? I will have to continue this thought later, Itachi brought a rabbit to share.

_ "Itachi-san, it's time to go. the palladin will be crossing this way shortly. We have a mission to complete," Juzo said. Itachi slowly rose to his feet and placed the journal in its customary pocket. He would spill more blood today. It felt like somedays he bathed in it. His little brother surely thought that he did. He closed his eyes and fixed his face into its stoic mask. His emotions would never betray him, he would not allow it. _

_ What Itachi really wanted, was to go back to that moment. To share the rabbit with Shisui. The man had never mentioned that he received a nasty gouge on his thigh from that encounter. He could almost feel the contrast between the bandage and Shisui’s skin. He remembered tying the cloth to tight as he tried to control the tremble in his hands. Shisui soothed the worry from Itachi’s face with his hand before kissing him. Just to let him know he was okay. He should have seen the signs then, that Shisui was on the edge. He had no idea what Shisui had been writing moments before their tender embrace. And his lover never let any clue slip. Itachi wanted that moment back. Just once. _

* * *

**AN: Thank you so much for reading! If you want to see a certain journal prompt, leave it in the comments. :D**

**Updated Daily until July 15th 2020 ;)**

Suicide is never the answer. If you or a loved is having thoughts of hurting yourself or suicide reach out. Ask for help! Talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest or other clergy. Don’t bottle it up. It is okay to have these feelings, but you must ask for help, you are not alone. You can make it through this.

US Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Canada Suicide hotline: 1-833-456-4566

UK Suicide hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

Australia Suicide hotline: 13 11 14

France Suicide hotline: S.O.S Amitie: Telephone 24/7. Email response within 48 hours. Chat online. Phone 01 42 96 26 26/ 01-45-39-40-00

Online chat: go to suicidepreventionlifeline .org and click on chat.


	6. Entry 6

**TW for animal death.**

* * *

_Itachi sat down in the corner of a cave. He could not stop shaking. Another mission partner, dead. Even more blood was on his hands. Juzo had fought valiantly against the company of Hidden Mist hunter-nin. In the end, they were both overwhelmed by their forces. The Uchiha could not even keep his thoughts organized. He only saw flashes in his mind, glimpses of the last seventy-two hours. They were tasked with killing a feudal lord in the land of water. They completed their mission with time to spare, very few casualties... Itachi tried to wrack his brain for where they went wrong. The escape route was clear. All possible pursuers were unconscious from his genjutsu. There was no way they should have been followed. Much less, followed by the Mizukage himself! 'Rational, Itachi, rational! Keep your head. Organize your thoughts...' Itachi told himself._

_The Mizukage had an entire company of hunter-nin... yes, hunter-nin... that was what they called them there. They were easily dispatched, Itachi wasn't sure when he started to think of taking a human's life as 'easy'. The Mizukage almost killed them... and Juzo... he sacrificed his life for Itachi. But he was supposed to be a criminal? A true missing-nin? He had been a true member of the Akatsuki! Why would he sacrifice himself for a double-agent? 'Who am I?' Itachi whispered, hands on his head as he dropped his forehead to his knees. 'Who am I?' His eyes burned as blood mixed with his tears. It had been the first time he used the mangekyo sharingan since the massacre._

* * *

**Entry #36**

**July 18th**

Chika's pup died. The second one that was born. Hana-chan said that it's little heart was underdeveloped. Sasuke cried over it when Itachi and I buried the poor thing. I think he finds death difficult to understand. I don't know if he even understands what being a shinobi entails. He's just a little kid, really. During the war, we had to kill a rabbit in the academy. It was to desensitize us before we had to take our first human life. They don't tell you that when your knife goes across the soft fur.

To be honest, I'm just thankful that Sasuke didn't name the small pup. He only named his; Shiro. I hope Hana-chan didn't judge Sasuke too much when he started to wail.

Unfortunately, he was the one to find it. He insisted that it was his turn to feed Chika. She was keeping her pups in the pantry. It wasn't that big of a deal for me, it's not like I ever use it. He opened the door and all of the other puppies were mewling around except for the second. He was just lying in a corner.

Anyway, one thing led to another and I ended up coming home to Itachi trying to comfort Sasuke. I was so tired. I had just come back from my police shift. I guess I said some choice things about the cycle of life and upset Sasuke even further. Itachi's the one upset with me now. I'll have to find a way to get back into his good graces. Dango, maybe? That always tends to work. It tends to calm him down anyway.

**Entry #37**

**July 19th**

Dango did not work. He's still very upset. Apparently, I told Sasuke to 'grow up and learn to live with death.' Not my finest hour, I'll admit. I have border patrol this week on our shared border with the Land of Tea. They should have tomatoes in season there. I might stop and get Sasuke a little treat.

I do feel bad for what I said to the kid. But I think that Itachi coddles him a little too much. We're shinobi. We live in a world of death, blood and pain. Shielding Sasuke-chan from that is counter-productive. He needs to be exposed to it little by little. Kami, I'm turning into my father. "You're a shinobi, Shisui. Man up." "You better not be a pansy-ass and cry." "True shinobi don't have emotions."

I guess if I really sat down and thought about it, I'd realize that we're not robots. We're human. We will always be subject to error. We will always have emotions. What good is an emotion-less soldier? Sure, they'll take enemy life more easily. But they won't value their comrades' lives. My father was wrong. It is more manly to cry and to feel then it is to keep everything in your head. So I'm going to cry when I'm upset and I'm going to laugh when I'm happy. I need to. I need to stay sane for the people that I love.

* * *

_The lonely shinobi closed his eyes and surrendered himself to his memories._

_"It's okay to not be okay, Itachi. I'll catch you when you fall. Everything is going to be fine." Shisui had told him, carding his fingers through Itachi's long hair. They had been laying in bed together, watching the sunrise through the window._

_"We're shinobi, Shisui. Tomorrow is not guaranteed."_

_"No, it's not. But my love for you is."_

_'Where are you now... where am I...' Itachi wondered, coming back to himself._

* * *

**AN: Thank you so much for reading! Comments and reviews of any type are always appreciated. I hope you all enjoyed this double posting this evening, let me know what you thought. ;)**

Suicide is never the answer. If you or a loved is having thoughts of hurting yourself or suicide reach out. Ask for help! Talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest or other clergy. Don't bottle it up. It is okay to have these feelings, but you must ask for help, you are not alone. You can make it through this.

US Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Canada Suicide hotline: 1-833-456-4566

UK Suicide hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

Australia Suicide hotline: 13 11 14

France Suicide hotline: S.O.S Amitie: Telephone 24/7. Email response within 48 hours. Chat online. Phone 01 42 96 26 26/ 01-45-39-40-00

Online chat: go to suicidepreventionlifeline .org and click on chat.


	7. Entry 7

_ There was nothing. Itachi had just been attacked by Orochimaru and he felt nothing. His heart rate was steady. His mind was clear. He wondered if he was becoming more apathetic towards his life than he had been in the past. Orochimaru was greedy. Greedy for human life, jutsu. It didn't truly matter to Itachi. He prayed that Orochimaru would not go after Sasuke. If he did then the protective big brother that he was would go after him. The Akatsuki member in him knew, though. He would be unable to. _

_ It was likely that Pein and Konan already suspected that he was a double agent. He did not act like the other members and was not recruited in the usual fashion. On top of that - he knew the true leader of the Akatsuki. They would be looking for any reason to eliminate him. All it would take is one slip up and he would be dead. How would Sasuke get his revenge then? _

_ He rubbed one of the silver sharingan emblems on his necklace before leaning back against the tree trunk. He had not thought that Orochimaru would be so bold. Part of him wanted to smirk at his miniature victory. He knew that he was an excellent shinobi, but to best a sannin in under two minutes? Without any real battle? Ha. Maybe he was feeling a little high on life at the moment, but he felt like laughing.  _

* * *

**Journal Entry #53**

**October 22nd**

I was on a mission with Hana-chan today. Well, actually, this whole last week. I volunteered to escort her to the Land of Rice for some medicinal herbs. We have a contract with this small Feudal Lord in that country. The village veterinary clinic was running low on marshmallow root. It doesn't grow in the Land of Fire. I now know entirely too much about that damned plant.

Hana-chan is great, amazing and cool, don't get me wrong. I love her... so... so much. Really. But damn. She is such an Inuzuka. She's so loud all the time. It's nutty. She's definitely the sister that I never had. I think she's actually Itachi's age, if I'm correct. Which, that's pretty cool. She said that they were freshmen together at the academy. The Haimaru triplets came along with us on this mission.

After we were done picking up her weirdly magical marshmallow plants, I cajoled her into running to the capitol with me. She actually has excellent fashion tastes. She helped me pick something out for Itachi. I really hope that he likes it. It's a necklace with three pendants on them. I thought they kind of looked like sharingan eyes. Hana said it would make a very nice gift.

I think that she knows about us - Itachi and I. Part of me hopes that she doesn't say anything. The clan is just too unstable right now to handle any drama. And two of their prized shinobi coming out of the closet together is a hell of a lot of drama. At best they would simply excommunicate us. At worst, they would blame the village for 'turning us gay'. As if an outside force could make someone gay. He's the complete package, I'm sure anyone would turn gay for Itachi. Too bad for them, he's all mine. I'm joking... well partially.

I don't know what I'd do without him. I'd be very lost. He's... everything. He's like dawn when the sun rises. When I'm near him, I feel complete... I'm sure I'm the only one that feels this way about him, but everyone else who doesn't think he's a ray of sunshine can kiss my  ass.

Hai is leaning on my leg right now. He drools almost as much as Chika does. Is that a dog's prerogative in life? To soak their human's pants? He's cute though. I wonder if he or one of the other triplets knocked Chika up. Hmm. Hana claims he didn't. Probably just salvaging her pride. Oh my gods, dear journal! I've been assaulted! She just threw a rock at my head!

* * *

_ Hana was one of the first to accuse Itachi of killing Shisui... She did not believe that one of her closest friends would commit suicide. He always seemed so happy. Always joking... never sad. Itachi wasn't shocked to hear her accusations. In truth, it hurt less than the accusations of his kinsmen. She was hurting just as much as he was. The kinsmen, however, were not. They only thought that they knew Shisui. They never truly did. _

* * *

**AN: Slither in to my inbox and leave a comment ;) If you leave a journal prompt, then I’ll try to make it happen. All comments are super encouraging and help fuel this story. Thank you so much for reading!**

Suicide is never the answer. If you or a loved is having thoughts of hurting yourself or suicide reach out. Ask for help! Talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest or other clergy. Don’t bottle it up. It is okay to have these feelings, but you must ask for help, you are not alone. You can make it through this.

US Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Canada Suicide hotline: 1-833-456-4566

UK Suicide hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

Australia Suicide hotline: 13 11 14

France Suicide hotline: S.O.S Amitie: Telephone 24/7. Email response within 48 hours. Chat online. Phone 01 42 96 26 26/ 01-45-39-40-00

Online chat: go to suicidepreventionlifeline .org and click on chat.


	8. Entry 8

_The waves hit the sides of the dock gently as Itachi breathed in the salty sea air. It was warm outside and there was a cool breeze coming off of the water. He was supposed to meet his new partner in a few moments. His 'handler' is what Pein should have called them. That's what they truly were. Whoever would be meeting him was there to watch him for any hint of subversion. The carefully concocted plan to leave Jiraiya information was now ash and dust. The former ANBU captain did not even know if he wanted to help Jiraiya, anyway. It wasn't like he was Itachi of the Leaf anymore… With the spare time that he had left before this new member met him, he opened the fading journal to one of his favorite entries._

* * *

**Journal Entry #92**

**May 1st**

It's unseasonably warm outside right now. Itachi had the day off, for once, so we went to the falls. We walked against the water on the cliff side until we reached the top. I joked about jumping off from the top to the bottom, Itachi didn't find that terribly funny.

I love him. I love just watching him. He moves so elegantly when we're walking up the face cliff of the waterfall. Nobody looks elegant when they're pushing back against a literal shit ton of water. But he does. I almost lost control of my chakra just watching him. If I wasn't a genjutsu expert, I would have thought that he had cast one on me.

After we were done with our vertical swim, we spread a blanket on the river bank. We just let the sun dry the water on our skin. It was nice. The birds were singing, the sunlight was gentle, even though it was hot outside. There was a dry breeze in the air. We held hands the entire time and just listened to the environment around us.

He has very warm hands. They're long, smooth and calloused. He always keeps his fingernails short and neat. Always so meticulous about keeping them clean. I like rubbing my thumb over his callouses. There's a small bump between his knuckles on his index finger. It's a scar that's been worn down with time and turned into a callous despite of his attempts to rub it smooth. His right thumbnail has an indent along the cuticle line where he caught himself with a fish hook at four years old.

When I hold his hand in mine, all I feel is warmth. It spreads from my own hand up my arm straight into my chest. I feel... safe and loved. Which is crazy. I'm a grown man, an elite shinobi. It's insane that I could become so addicted to feeling safe.

He always thinks that his hands are dirty with how much blood he's spilt, but he's wrong. They're clean. We're shinobi. That's our job. We do the dirty jobs in the shadows of the village so that the civilians can live in peace and ignorance. We're protectors. And through our conviction comes our salvation.

I have to believe that. I have to believe that there's some good in spilling blood to protect others in our home. I have to. There's no other way I'd be able to stay sane. Heck, I'd be willing to go so far as to say that I'm willing to spill blood to protect our clan, but that's not quite true. I'm willing to do so to protect the people I love. The people that I love just happen to be in the clan... well and a few Inuzuka.

Itachi's hands will never be dirty. His heart is too pure. He's always protecting others, always placing himself last. I know that my depression weighs on his mind sometimes. It's almost like he can sense it, that he can sense when I'm slipping. I wonder if he'd be able to cope if I... no. Dr. Yamanaka for all his blathering said specifically not to start down that road of what-if scenarios. Especially for... that. I need to go outside again. That was way too close of a thought for comfort.

* * *

_Itachi remembered the sunshine on that day. It felt much like it did on this dock. The breeze was much the same. The bird songs... The scent was different. Here, the air was salty and fresh. In the valley, it smelt of moss and musk. Shisui was with him in the valley. The double agent often wondered if he'd ever be back by his lover's grave. Shisui had been so self-sacrificing. It was difficult for Itachi to imagine him actually committing suicide on a whim. And still, he refused to read the last page of the journal. Shisui's final letter. He knew it was addressed to him and not the journal, the suicide note left for the military police was far too brief and out of character. At least the fools had gotten that right._

_There were sharks swimming towards him below the dock, circling around the posts. These sharks were kneading chakra. Apparently, his new partner had a contract with sharks. Stashing the journal in his pants pocket, he reclined his leg and waited for the new Akatsuki to join him._

* * *

**AN: Help the sharks swim and leave a comment, they help keep the fandom alive. ;) Thank you for reading!**

Suicide is never the answer. If you or a loved is having thoughts of hurting yourself or suicide reach out. Ask for help! Talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest or other clergy. Don't bottle it up. It is okay to have these feelings, but you must ask for help, you are not alone. You can make it through this.

US Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Canada Suicide hotline: 1-833-456-4566

UK Suicide hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

Australia Suicide hotline: 13 11 14

France Suicide hotline: S.O.S Amitie: Telephone 24/7. Email response within 48 hours. Chat online. Phone 01 42 96 26 26/ 01-45-39-40-00

Online chat: go to suicidepreventionlifeline .org and click on chat.


	9. Entry 9

**BIGGGGG TW: Mentions of death, suicidal ideation (this is the reason I am changing the rating from K+ to T)**

**_2nd TW: Seriously, don't read if you are in a bad place. There is hella suicidal ideation in this chapter, I'm not playing around._ **

_ "I recruited someone else into the Akatsuki today," Itachi told Shisui. They were sitting on top of the Hokage's tower, overlooking Konoha. Itachi watched as the wind tousled Shisui's hair. He could smell the food vendors that were down the road and sighed in longing. The village was bustling below them. Merchants went about their business, children ran through the streets without care, academy students sparred inside of small circles. _

_ "Is that so?" Shisui asked. Itachi adjusted the long robe and pulled one of his arms out. _

_ "Yes, his name is Deidara. He was part of the explosion corps in Iwagakure. I used your genjutsu to manipulate his actions... forgive me." _

_ "Ne, Itachi. There's nothing to forgive." Shisui cupped his boyfriend's chin in his hand before pulling him in for a kiss. Itachi could feel his warmth seep through the stiff Akatsuki robe. "Whatever you do, I will always love you. Unconditionally. I'll always try to be here for you." _

_ The Akatsuki member closed his eyes to revel in the feeling of his lover's lips on his forehead. When he opened them, blood was beginning to fall from the corner of the Shisui's eyes. _

_ "I'll always love you. So don't worry." The blood began to pour with gusto, leaving trails down his face. _

_ "No..." Itachi whispered, reaching out to hold him again. Shisui's body was pulled away from him by a ghostly figure. It danced above them and held his man by the back of the neck mockingly. _

_ "I promise I'll be here..." Shisui's eyelids opened to reveal the hollowed out space in his eye socket. _

_ "No... please... kami... no..." As the shinigami pulled his lover away, Itachi began to gave chase. The scenery around him changed from Konoha to the forests surrounding the village and Itachi picked up the pace. He ran until his lungs burned and his legs collapsed underneath him. "Don't leave me! Stay, please!" _

_ "Everything will be fine..." Echoed around Itachi's head as he jolted awake. _

* * *

**Entry #98**

**May 30th**

Some days I want to die. I feel so burdened... the clan, the police department, ANBU, ROOT, border patrol. It's all so much. I keep giving and there's nothing left. I feel so empty and I just want to end it. And I'm so sorry. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to leave Itachi, Sasuke and Chika.

But I feel like I can't stay. I'm too empty. It doesn't matter how hard I try to hold onto everything, it all falls apart. Nothing is the way it was supposed to go. I should have been able to fix my clan by now. Because I can't fix my clan; my team is treating me suspiciously. I'm their captain and they think that I'm a traitor. My clan treats me differently, as well, because of how close Itachi and I are.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't continue to hold it all together. It's like everything is broken glass and the glue is coming undone. I'd pray to any god, kami, or ancestor if they could fix me. The truth is, no one can fix me. I'm lying on the ground and I just can't move. It feels like I'm this shell, hollowed out and walking around, going through the motions. Like a puppet on some sort of string. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I just want to be okay. I just want to live. Really live. If I end it, maybe I'll come back in the next life as a pet store owner. Maybe I'll see Itachi on the other side. Maybe we can live that dream. Maybe we can stay happily together. And he'll come home to me every night and we can just... hold onto each other. Maybe we actually have a shot at keeping each other safe, in another life, in a dream world... because this is not living...

**Entry #99**

**May 31st**

I'm sorry. I can't. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry...

**Entry #100**

**June 10th**

I guess you're wondering where I've been. Dr. Yamanaka sent me to a lock-down medical unit. He wrote that it was a mission. But I was actually in the capitol. The only people who know are him and the Hokage. I'm so... embarrassed. I don't want to tell Itachi, it'll just make him worry.

You're probably wondering what stopped me, aren't you, journal? I saw Chika chase a crow. I... okay I'll write it down. Dr. Yamanaka said it was for the best.

I saw Chika chase a crow. I had the doors to the engawa opened. It was night time. My tanto was... well. But I looked up and saw my silly girl chase off a crow that was sitting on the fence. I started to wonder, what is she going to do without me? Itachi, I'm sure, would be okay. But Chika? My beautiful mutt? Would Hana-chan care for her like I would? Would my baby girl even understand? Or would she be sad... would it make her stop chasing crows... stop destroying my uptight relatives' flower beds? Would losing me kill that joyous nature of hers?

So I stopped. I put the tanto on the ground. I dropped Chika off with Tsume-sensei. I teleported to the Yamanaka compound. He wrote up the mission slip and traveled to the capitol with me. I was in the lock down unit for nine days. There were a whole bunch of classes that I had to take in order to get out of there. But I gave Dr. Yamanaka my word that I would stay, so I did. They gave me this script for some anti-depressants. So far they're working, but they do give me the shits. So, that's a little awkward sometimes.

Dr. Yamanaka says that I need to tell my loved ones, but I'm worried. I'm worried it will make Itachi worried. I'm worried that he'll see me differently. I need to get up and move. If I don't keep to a schedule, then it messes me up. Right now, it's snack time. I bought some cucumbers to share with Chika. My girl eats them like normal dogs eat bones. It's hilarious.

* * *

_ 'I would never have judged you... I wish you had told me... I wish... you had just... told me...' Itachi thought longingly. He closed the journal and checked his heart rate. It was still slightly elevated and his chest felt tighter than it should have. The words on the page had been blurry this evening. It seemed that every time he used his mangekyo, his regular eyesight worsened. He was sure that it was divine judgment. Part of his punishment on this earth before he moved on to hell. _

* * *

**AN: That was actually very painful to write. If you're in a dark place, reach out. Please, don't lock it up. Reach for help. Let me know what you guys think in the comments, the comments help keep this story moving. If you want to see a specific journal prompt then drop a line. :) No pun today.**

Suicide is never the answer. If you or a loved is having thoughts of hurting yourself or suicide reach out. Ask for help! Talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest or other clergy. Don’t bottle it up. It is okay to have these feelings, but you must ask for help, you are not alone. You can make it through this.

  
  
  


US Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

  
  
  


Canada Suicide hotline: 1-833-456-4566

  
  
  


UK Suicide hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

  
  
  


Australia Suicide hotline: 13 11 14

  
  
  


France Suicide hotline: S.O.S Amitie: Telephone 24/7. Email response within 48 hours. Chat online. Phone 01 42 96 26 26/ 01-45-39-40-00

  
  
  


Online chat: go to suicidepreventionlifeline .org and click on chat.


	10. Entry 10

**Entry #10**

_Kisame and Itachi were on a mission in the Land of Rice Paddies when they came across a small village. They almost passed a young woman outside of a small hut staring listlessly at the road. Her face was filthy and her hair matted. She had tear tracks down her face and her eyes were reddened from crying._

_After sharing a look, Kisame shrugged and stopped on the road. Itachi continued and walked up to the woman before crouching down to eye level. “What has happened?” he asked in a soft tone._

_“Shinobi?” Itachi nodded. “Kill me. It would be a mercy.” Her voice was rough with disuse and her sorrow was palpable. “I don’t want to live if my baby doesn’t.”_

_“Where is your child?”_

_“The Wakizashi yakuza runs this territory. I didn’t have enough to pay them… they took her instead. They took my Aimi. Please, shinobi-san! I will give you whatever you want. Take the payment from me instead, just help me get back my baby.”_

_“Kisame-san?” Itachi looked behind him. The Monster of the Hidden Mist nodded slightly. Itachi placed the grieving woman under a sleeping genjutsu and carried her into her home. After he emerged, the two left quickly. They had a human-trafficker to catch._

* * *

Entry #71  
February 10th

I miss my sanity sometimes. Actually, that’s probably a lie. I don’t miss it. I couldn’t be sane and do what I do for a living. I was on my patrol beat around the red-light district today. There had been reports of suspicious activity at a brothel that we’ve had to shut down before.

Brothels are legal in Konoha. It’d be difficult to run our forces without them. But they’re highly regulated, or so I thought. The sex workers are tested weekly for diseases, they’re all registered with civilian affairs. ANBU runs infiltration checks on them biweekly. The facilities are also inspected monthly. On top of that, any shinobi that avail themselves of… services have to report it to their superior. Just to prevent the spread of STDs or to be on the lookout for coercion genjutsu. It’s all supposed to be so safe.

Still, shit happens. When I was on my beat, I saw some suspicious activity in the back alley behind Madame Humpries. It sounded like muffled screams. I automatically headed in that direction and lo and behold were scum-sucking, bottom-feeding human traffickers. I don’t know what came over me, I was just so angry. I was angry at them for treating human beings like commodities. I was angry at them for defiling my home with such an evil enterprise.

I didn’t even realize that I had placed them in a genjutsu until the kids were looking at me in horror. My eyes freaking hurt now, though. It’s rare that I use a sharingan genjutsu. There’s just a lot of risk involved with it. The mangekyo is even worse. If you use that too often you go blind. At least that’s what our records indicate. Who’s to say if that’s actually true.

Anyway, at least I didn’t kill the traffickers. I left that job for Ibiki’s people. I did what I could for the kiddos. I wish I could have done more, to be honest. But using a regular sharingan genjutsu to alter their memories seemed sufficient for civilian children. They were taken to the Konoha Orphanage… I hope that the fates are kinder to them in the future.

* * *

_Itachi coughed slightly and leaned against a nearby tree. It had taken them less than four hours to find the traffickers, dispatch them and rescue the child. Children, actually. Twenty-five in total, all in various states of health._

_The majority of the time that they spent on the rescue was actually threatening the local law enforcement. They were very uncooperative until Kisame casually placed the Oyabun’s head on their counter. The sheriff was much more agreeable after that. The Akatsuki members ended their visit with a warning that they’ll be back to check on the status of the children within the month._

_The woman that they had found got down to her hands and knees and thanked them both when her four year old was returned to her. She offered herself again, but when she dared look up, the two mystery shinobi were already gone._

* * *

**AN: Drop a line, if you have the time. Don’t forget to leave a comment, they are super motivating and help write this story. :D Thank you for reading!**

Thank you to my babes [Link](https://that-link-on-the-internet.tumblr.com/) [, One More Word](https://onemoreword-writesmore.tumblr.com/), and [our queen: Moon Lady](https://moonlady9.tumblr.com/)

Oyabun: yakuza leader.

Okay so I don’t think this one *needs* a suicide hotline. Instead, I’d like to take a second to mention some signs of human trafficking.

Human trafficking is people enslaving or exploiting other people. Human beings are treated as property and their bodies are sold to others without their consent. It occurs in every country across the world and in every state in the U.S., and it’s happening right now. Victims can get recruited into human trafficking through deceit and/or abduction and it often involves the promise of a better life for the victim in one way or another. Traffickers usually target the most vulnerable members of society such as children, victims of physical/emotional abuse, the homeless, the disabled, the poor, refugee and migrant children, LGBTQ+ youth, and the drug-addicted.


	11. Entry 11

**Entry #11**

_Itachi pulled his Akatsuki cloak closer to his body as he entered a small stationery store. It looked similar to the one where he bought Shisui his journal all those years ago. There were mild pastel colors on the walls. Pens and pencils were neatly stacked in bins on one side. All manner of papers in different styles, colors and textures lay opposite. He breathed in deeply before locating his target - A4 paper to fill the journal. Before he left, he saw metallic origami paper and added it to his stack._

_Feeling alone, and lost in the world he had made up his mind to start journaling as well. He added the new paper to the leather bindings and began to write. He left the first two pages after Shisui’s final letter to him blank so that it went undisturbed._

* * *

**_October 19th_ **

**_Dear Shisui,_ **

**_It has been four years since your death; you would have been twenty-four today. I am now twenty-two years old. When I feel the wind on my face, I would like to imagine it was your caress. I hear you in a bird’s song. I see you in the darkest night, haunting my dreams. What is it like where you are now? Are you as lonely as I am?_ **

**_I write to you under duress. The criminal organization I have joined suspects me of being a double agent. Even so, they have paired me with their second in command for this small trip; as well as their treasurer._ **

**_Her name is Konan. She is fearsome. I suspect, based on her physical appearance, that she is one of the three orphans that the Sannin, Jiraiya, raised and trained. She wields a unique jutsu that relies on origami paper, or at least the appearance of it. It is quite brilliant. She infuses every piece of washi with her own chakra and then wraps it in layers of genjutsu to deceive the enemy._ **

**_Today, we were sent on a mission to eliminate a threat. Konan decided to recruit him instead. He is… unkillable in the traditional ways. I am becoming close with the other Akatsuki members. I am worried that I will completely lose who I am. But then I remember that I am already lost. A clan killer, murderer, recruiter of terrorists. Would you rebuke me? I pray that you would._ **

* * *

  
  


**Entry 138**

**July 24th**

Itachi and I made love for the first time last night. It was wonderful. We’ve been dating for almost a year, you see. Last night was the first night we were able to spend together for the longest time. Well, we were on my couch, enjoying the silence and the sound of crickets in the air. I started to rub his hand, then he kissed me. Normally, he only becomes sexually aggressive after difficult missions. But this was different, he was very gentle, hesitant almost. In the last year, since we’ve decided to become boyfriends officially, we’ve always stopped before taking it past second base. 

It was nice. The way that his hands slid up my shirt. He got off the couch and began to pull me towards my bedroom (our bedroom, really). After that, everything he did was frenzied. I tried to slow him down and ask him if something was wrong. He just shook his head and continued to undress me. I began pushing back, taking his clothes as well. I didn’t stop until we were naked in front of each other, panting with our combined lust. 

I don’t really know what else to say. There was just this look in his eye when he saw me. An approval. And well, we just didn’t rest after that until we were both lying replete and breathless on ~~my~~ **our** bed.

It’s one of those precious memories that will etch itself into my heart. It was so tender. Every movement, touch. The sounds that we made together. It was only one night, dear journal, but I think I could easily become addicted to him. He could commit atrocities unlike any known to man and I would still want to be in his bed every night. Maybe that’s what love is?

* * *

_‘In another life… I would be in your bed tonight…’ Itachi thought as he blankly stared at Shisui’s messy scrawl._

_“Itachi-san, we’re heading out in thirty minutes,” Konan said calmly from across the glade._

_“Of course, Konan-san.” He packed the sealed journal and the origami paper in his pocket before readying himself to leave. Tomorrow, he would give Konan his small gift. She had been kind to him, after all, in a world where kindness was rare._

* * *

**AN: Pass a note on a paper plane and leave a comment or review. What did you like about this? What do you want to see happen? Let’s talk. ;) thank you for reading!**


	12. Entry 12

**Entry #42**

**September 12th**

Chika’s pups are ten weeks and two days old. They’ll be leaving us twelve days from now. I think Chika knows, too. She’s been very mopey lately. Not that I can blame her. I keep telling her that she’ll be able to visit her babies at the Inuzuka compound any time she wants to. Sometimes I wonder if she’s worried about them being **_Inuzuka_ ** partners, especially. It must be difficult for any mother to see her children become soldiers. 

Thank goodness her puppies are small, though. Well, not for normal shiba inus, but they’re small for Inuzuka partners. They’re most likely going to be trackers and not combatants. Still, imagining your babies growing up to face off against enemies… For her sake, I’m happy that one of them is only a normal mutt. That’s the one that will be going to Sasuke. It’ll stay in the compound and probably spend time with Chika while Sasuke’s at school. 

Thinking about it now, it makes me wonder if Itachi and I will ever have kids. I think I’d like kids, someday. It would be difficult to get the clan to approve the adoption of orphans. But if they exile us for being gay, then who cares. Hmm… maybe two girls, one boy? I bet the girls would be sweethearts and able to talk their way into getting anything. I hope a boy would take after Itachi; kind and gentle. Who knows? Kids have their own personalities. 

I don’t think I’d want them to be shinobi… Looking at Chika stare at her pups playing. I don’t think I could stand it if one of my own babies were hurt. I wonder if having kids would be a good enough reason for Itachi to leave ANBU. It’s destroying him. I’ll have to write later, I need to go pet Chika.

* * *

_ Itachi leaned against the wall of the seedy motel room that he was staying in. When he had been with Shisui, he also had thought about having kids. If anything, he would have been the stay at home dad. He snorted as he mind wondered what it would have been like. Baking cookies while the children were at school. Maybe he would have learned to make homemade dango.  _

_ When he opened his eyes, the room was blurry. The words of the journal were hard to make out at times recently. Orochimaru had been discovered to use the Second’s forbidden edo tensei jutsu. It was disconcerting to say the least. He hoped that Sasuke would manage to stay far away from that snake. _

* * *

**AN: Thank you so much for reading! Slither on in and leave a comment or review. :D**


	13. Entry 13

**Entry #13**

**_November 28th_ **

**_Shisui,_ **

**_Tonight is so cold it feels as though the blood has been stolen from my veins. I can see my breath become frost in the air. The cave that my partner and I have taken refuge in is colder than the arctic. Even the water on the stalactites has frozen and made their true length indiscernible. I have been coughing as of late. The current weather worsens my condition._ **

**_It is strange that as I am sitting against these walls, I recall your ‘super secret recipe for cough drops’. I believe you used honey, ginger and lemon. I never thanked you for hiding me from my mother when I was ill. She would have worried. Although, I must say, your congee was suspect. I have never seen a more mush-like substance in my life. Certainly not with the amount of soy sauce that was added, either. I miss the taste of it, though. I miss you._ **

**_Were you here, I’d be lying on your arms. I wonder if you would make those cough drops once more. Would we be cuddled around your dog? She is well, by the way. I have our summons check on her occasionally. Hana-san keeps her as a companion animal. She rarely takes missions anymore (ever since your passing, in fact). When she does, Chika stays with one of the Inuzuka elders._ **

**_Forever yours,_ **

**_Itachi_ **

* * *

**Entry #62**

**January 3rd**

It is cold as hell outside today. I think the icicles on my porch have icicles for their icicles. Itachi’s sick too. I’ve been hiding him from his mother. Do you know how scary Mikoto can be? She was best friends with the ‘Hot Habanero’ for a reason. May Uzumaki-san rest in peace. 

I’ve been doing my best to nurse him. But there’s a reason I never became a medic. I have zero aptitude for it. Literally. I made him a congee. But it was really bad. Horrendous, in fact. I didn’t eat it… I hope he never finds that out. But that’s what you’re supposed to make sick people, right? Porridge cooked in stock with uh… vegetables?

I did, however, manage to improve Hana-chan’s cough drop recipe. I added lemon juice. It made them much more palatable. The last time I had a cough, she gave me some of the drops and her recipe. And let me tell you, they were horrible. We could probably win entire wars by feeding them to the enemy. They’d withdraw in days. She uses chilis of all things. So gross. 

My boyfriend looked really miserable when he was laying in bed. His nose was red and his eyes all watery and puffy. He was coughing up a storm. Actually, he was coughing so loudly, I thought for sure Mikoto-oba was going to find him. So, I just held him closely and turned on the electric blanket. I also bought five boxes of lotionized tissues. I hope that prevents his nose from becoming chapped. 

Some people might think it’s gross, holding a sick person. But, I love him. I don’t want him to hurt. And I especially don’t want him to stay sick. Besides, Chika also likes to cuddle up on that blanket. I read his favorite book of poems to him. I don’t particularly care for the volume. The prose is too flowery for my taste. But, he loves it. He’s waking up now. I’m going to try and add soy sauce to this congee… maybe I can salvage it. 

* * *

**AN: So much fluff in this chapter. Thank you so much for reading!!! If you like how this is going or you want to see a specific journal prompt, leave a comment/review or even drop a line in the ask me section of tumblr. I don't bite, I promise. ;)**


	14. Entry 14

**Entry #14**

_ “Orochimaru launched an unsuccessful attack on Konoha. The Sandaime is dead.” Itachi heard Pein speak through the holographic projections. “We will need one pair to assess the damage.” _

_ “We will go,” The Uchiha replied. Pein gave him a curt nod in response. The only thing that was going through Itachi’s mind was, ‘Sasuke’.  _

* * *

**Entry #142**

**1 August**

Today is the Sandaime’s anniversary. There was a large festival in the center of town. Booths were lined up on either side of the road. You could smell the hot fried food in the air. It was a happy environment. They lit up fireworks when the dusk fell. And I just… I didn’t feel anything. 

Two years ago the sight of fireworks filled me with wonder. It’s hard to watch them now. There’s so much going on that all of these party-goers don’t even think about. My clan is on a precipice. We could fall either way at any moment. It would take a barely lit match to ignite us… I refuse to accept that this is the way things will always be. Our clan needs to strive for peace. We need to strive for greatness through peace and not through war. Why can’t anyone else understand that?

I just want to stay in bed all day. I’m so sick of this. I’m so sick and tired of this clan pushing and pushing for more when we haven’t earned it. I can’t take it anymore. It’s ridiculous. What right do we have to claim the same traits as our ancestors when Konoha is now our home? Why can’t we just give up the past and create a future? When I think of that future I see nothing. 

It’s just the fireworks used to fill me with such joy and I guess that it all comes down to this: I don’t feel joy anymore. I feel nothing. And I’m tired of being empty.

I’m going to walk Chika. This is a very dangerous line of thought. 

* * *

**AN: So sorry about not updating for a few days you guys. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I hope to have your continued support in the future. :D I will be posting daily until the 15th of July, 2020. <3 Leave a comment if you have the time. It doesn’t matter what your comment says or if it’s even legible; whatever it is, is encouraging. **

Suicide is never the answer. If you or a loved is having thoughts of hurting yourself or suicide reach out. Ask for help! Talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest or other clergy. Don’t bottle it up. It is okay to have these feelings, but you must ask for help, you are not alone. You can make it through this.

**US Suicide hotline:** 1-800-273-8255

**Canada Suicide hotline:** 1-833-456-4566

**UK Suicide hotline:** +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

**Australia Suicide hotline:** 13 11 14

**France Suicide hotline:** S.O.S Amitie: Telephone 24/7. Email response within 48 hours. Chat online. Phone 01 42 96 26 26/ 01-45-39-40-00

**Online chat:** go to suicidepreventionlifeline .org and click on chat.


	15. Entry 15

* * *

_**April 6th** _

_**Shisui,** _

_**Hate me. Please. Today, I placed Kakashi-senpai under the tsukuyomi. I tortured him for seventy-two. Hate me, it would be preferable to the amount of hate that I bear upon my own person. Loathe me, even in death. I could not bear to stand before your grave for my shame is too great. I am too weak to read your words. They blur on the page and I feel it is a just punishment from the gods to be losing my eyesight. Who am I? Tell me, my love, because I do not know anymore.** _

_**Forever yours,** _

_**Itachi** _

* * *

_**April 20th** _

_**Shisui,** _

_**I cannot bear to dream of you anymore. I am unworthy to be in the same dreamscape as you. Why do you haunt me still? Why is your ghost unfailingly kind? In my dream you held me and told me that it was okay. That you would love me no matter what I did. I broke my younger brother's arm and put him in a tsukuyomi. It is not okay. Why would you tell me you love me? Hate me, please, I beg you. I do not deserve your love. I do not know who I am.** _

_**My only hope at redemption is to die by my brother's hand. Then I may take my rightful place in the deepest part of hell. Whereas you surely enjoy the splendor of heaven.** _

_**Forever yours,** _

_**Itachi** _

* * *

_**June 1st** _

_**Shisui,** _

_**Words escape me. Today, I have learned that Sasuke has willingly gone to Orochimaru. He has been branded a rogue ninja. Dear gods, what have I done?** _

* * *

_**March 1st, the third year** _

_**Shisui,** _

_**It will not be long now. I hope to see you one last time when my eyes close forever.** _

_**Forever yours,** _

_**Itachi** _

* * *

" _Itachi-san? Are you sure that this is wise?" Kisame asked as the pair walked towards the Uchiha hideout._

" _You need not worry, Kisame-san. My foolish little brother is of no consequence."_

" _If you say so, Itachi-san."_

" _I must you a favor."_

" _You can ask, it doesn't mean I'll do it."_

" _Read the last entry to me, please," Itachi said softly. He handed the old leather book to his partner. Kisame looked up at him in surprise. The mangekyo wielder was always secretive about his disability as well as the journal. To openly admit that he was unable to read any longer was shocking and set Kisame on edge, though he dare not show it._

" _Very well, Itachi-san." The tailless beast unwound the leather straps and opened the journal to the last entry. "'Dearest Itachi…'" he began._

* * *

**AN: So, this is the second to the last installment of Shisui's journal. We have been reading his journal as Itachi was reading it. However, at this point in the timeline, Itachi is no longer able to read the journal. Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think :D**


	16. Final Entry

_Kisame began to struggle with what had been written on the page as he read. The letters became crowded and the phrases clipped in an almost illegible scrawl. He had seen intelligence reports like this. Those that had written them were always moments from death. The hands were far from the heart, and the body always tries to survive by shutting down the extremities and non-essential organs first. That the man had continued to write was almost impressive, for a Leaf shinobi, anyway. As he rose from his resting place, Itachi took the journal and set it on the ground. He turned his eyes from black to mangekyo and lit the collection of paper, ink and leather in an eternal fire._

_It was upon reflection of this moment, that Kisame regretted not knocking the sharingan wielder unconscious and carrying him away. At the time, however, he thought that Itachi was simply being melodramatic. All Uchiha had a flair for melodrama, after all._

* * *

**Dearest Itachi,**

I only have moments. Danzo has attacked me and taken my right eye. I need you to know that I love you. Life won’t be easy without me. But, my love, you need to let go. Be free. If I am dead then things will change for our clan and things will become better for everyone, even you. I know, you’ve probably seen the other entries by now. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. But as my end draws near, I know it probably has hurt you. I’m so so sorry for any pain that I caused you. Even if I have to wait lifetimes, I will do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness for my weakness. You used to say that I was the muscle in the relationship, but you’re wrong: you have always been my strength in this world.

You know I’ve never been one for poetry or flowery phrases. But I’m going to try. I would do anything for you.

Be assured, even in the grave I’ll hunger for your gentle touch. I’ll crave the soothing sound of your voice speaking in hushed tones against my ear. In another life, I will be your man; and I swear by all that is holy, I would never leave you. But in this life, I can’t stay. You’re the breath in my lungs, the rhythm my heart beats to, the song that my soul sings to. If I could realign the universe to spare you a moment of pain, I would.

Our stars have always burned brighter together. I remember the dew mixing with the sweat on our bodies, laying on our backs in the grass. Those stars had never been half as bright as they were when reflected in your eyes.

Itachi, please take your time following me. I want to see you again when you are an old man. If the ~~clan~~ , no the world, were to lose you, then they would lose an invaluable source of kindness and wisdom. It would be a tragedy. You have the power to bring people together. You will find a way, you always do. I leave the future to you. As for the past, if the gods were kinder, I would go down on my hands and knees and beg them to freeze this morning when I woke up in your arms.

My sandglass is empty. Please, never forget: I love you. Unconditionally. Even if the entire world were to turn their backs on you, **_I love you._** Even if you were to commit the most heinous crimes, I could not help but love you.

Love,

Shisui

* * *

_“Itachi,” a soft familiar voice called from the horizon. It was too soon. He needed to show his brother love one last time. He had to hold on. “Itachi, come home…”_

_Itachi staggered the final three steps to Sasuke as the teenager huddled against a wall. He lifted his arm, smiled at him and poked his forehead one last time. “Come home, Itachi…”_

_The light was blinding when he closed his eyes and his lungs felt free for the first time in years. He took a deep cleansing breath and opened his eyes. In front of him was a wooden door painted red with a bronze handle. He pulled it open. The room it led to was full of soft furnishings and scrolls tucked neatly away on several bookcases. There was a faint smell of dog and the sound of nails on hardwood as a familiar face bound him. The dog kissed his hands familiarly and gave him a friendly woof before trotting away to a nearby bed._

_Itachi watched the dog for a moment before he heard it: the most beautiful sound in the world, “Welcome home, Itachi!”_

_“Shisui?”_


End file.
